Quality post. I couldn't agree more with everything you said. If money wasn't an issue, and all else was equal, I would sign Lowe, Bastardo, and Blanton. I would also inquire about Carter Capps and see what he would cost (he could be an excellent cheap closer).
Bastardo and Blanton are consistent as they get so the risk for volatility should be low with them. Capps would be a risky bet, as would Lowe (given his track record), but either/both would be good to bet on.
Throwing Osuna and Sanchez in AAA just makes so much sense to me. f*** the "win now mode" mentality, I think the suggestions you/I have would be suitable replacements until September when they get called back up and put in the BP. I'd just like to see Osuna/Sanchez get an opportunity to work around 130 innings each this year, so, in 2017, they can step in the rotation in place of Chavez/Dickey.