Article: Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Reluctantly Signed Arbitration Deal In Effort To Help Front Office's Feelings

[Brandon Glick]

This is a work of satire. Please enjoy.

There are a lot of nervous fans in Toronto this offseason, and the Blue Jays continue to try and navigate the offseason before "the big one".

Much has been made about the team's failures to secure star players in free agency, as well as their inability to lock down their in-house stars on long-term deals, but the front office got a small win on Thursday night, when it was announced that they had managed to avoid arbitration with Vladimir Guerrero Jr.

The arbitration process is an unforgiving one, as teams and players must ruthlessly attack each other in an effort to to convince a (totally unbiased) third-party that the salary figure they submitted is a fair value for the player's contributions in the upcoming season. Avoiding this private trial may not help the team's chances to extend Guerrero Jr., but it certainly won't hurt them.

`Speaking to a gaggle of independent content creators, Blue Jays general manager Ross Atkins expressed his joy in the team's ability to strike a deal with its best player:

Quote

"This is a momentous day for Blue Jays fans, the city of Toronto, and the whole country of Canada. Even as we're under threat of invasion, I, the great and noble Ross Atkins, have managed to negotiate a one-year peace treaty with the son of another great Canadian icon, Vladimir Guerrero. Not to toot my own horn, but it's hard to imagine another baseball executive deftly navigating the arbitration waters as I have." *beat, whispers* "Can you make sure the suits at [franchise owner] Rogers Communications see that?"
 

When asked by Tustin Jruedeau — a self-proclaimed "new face" to the scene — whether or not he felt the Blue Jays were nearing a contract extension with Guerrero Jr., Atkins hesitated before pointing and exclaiming "What's that over there?". By the time we all looked back, he was gone.

Luckily, Tustin was able to catch up with Vladdy before we were escorted off the premises. He asked the star first baseman about the one-year, $28.5 million contract he signed, to which Guerrero Jr. replied "I just felt bad, man. You guys know how many free agents have chosen not to come here. I imagine it's gotta weigh on Ross. I was already under team control for this year, so I figured I'd throw him and the rest of the front office a bone by signing the deal they offered. Maybe it'll help them get their mojo back."

Tustin said he asked if Guerrero Jr. if he expected to sign a long-term deal with Toronto, but before Tustin could get a response, Guerrero Jr. pointed out something in the corner of the room and disappeared by the time the reporter looked back.

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[Brandon Glick]

I wrote this in a waiting room after sitting on my phone for 4 hours. Happy to answer any questions people have about Tustin or the Ross.