A Derek Jeter Article You Will All Enjoy

[Statman]

The Hater's Guide To Derek Jeter

I missed the All-Jeter Game last night but I'm told it was an emotional Jeterball game in which Derek Jeter jetered a few hits and saved 12 babies that fell from the stands and mowed the outfield so that you could see a crucifix pattern in the grass. There was also a small Jeterversy in which Adam Jeterwright laid down for Derek Jeter (who hasn't?!) and let him get off an extra Jeter for old Jeter's sake.

 

And with that, I think I've had enough Derek Jeter for the next 80 lifetimes. You don't need to be from Boston to feel the primal urge to run up to your rooftop and cry out f*** DEREK JETER as loudly as possible. Not anymore. Derek Jeter can eat a bag of dicks, and here are a few reasons why.

 

1. Only an ******* gives himself a one-year retirement tour. Jeter's all-star appearance last night was treated like a simultaneous memorial for eight cancer kids, even though he still has three more months of baseball to play and people give precisely zero f***s about the all-star game. OH MY GOD IT'S HIS LAST MEANINGLESS LONG WEEKEND VACATION EXHIBITION TELL YOUR GRANDKIDS. If Jeter really were Mr. Classy, he would have just up and left at the end of last season. Instead, we get a full season of breathless Jeter farewell coverage, like a retirement party for an insufferable brown-nosing co-worker, only the party lasts half a year and they've barred the exits to Ballroom C at the Best Western so you can't leave. If you wanna retire, retire.

 

2. Derek Jeter is a living incarnation of New York City's worst ideas about itself. I lived in New York for six years and living in New York means you get to treat the rest of the country like it's the kiddie table at cocktail party. "Oh, Chicago? Go have a seat with Dallas and Denver over in the corner." Jeter is the perfect delivery vessel for that very specific brand of provincial arrogance. If he had played in Houston, he would have been Craig Biggio Jr. and we would have been spared all this s***. In New York, only New York matters, and so Derek Jeter gets treated as the only baseball player who matters by a cadre of slobbering New York writers who still wish athletes would get shitfaced with newspapermen at Toots Shor's. You people from outside of New York should pay proper reverence to Jeter, but NEVER forget that he's not yours. You are meant to worship New York's prize possession from afar. I'm surprised you can't buy pieces of him at the 9/11 museum.

 

There's this old theory that making it in New York is still a more authoritative kind of success than making it somewhere else (even though people can now work from basically anywhere). Not every athlete can cut it in NEW YORK. Oooh, the papers there are mean and stuff! It takes real backbone not to pick up a copy of the New York Post. And so Jeter is a living embodiment of New York's self-proclaimed higher standards. Jeter made it in New York, therefore he is better and stronger and braver than everyone else. It's grade inflation.

 

3. He's a useful front for all the horrible s*** the Yankees do. The Yankees can strong-arm fans who have to piss during "God Bless America," and they can bully the city into ponying up a billion for a new stadium, and they can do this in part because they can just roll out Jeter anytime they like as an ambassador of some kind of fabled Yankee Way. Look at those eyes and tell me Hank Steinbrenner doesn't deserve an extra hundred million in cable fees. For all the supposed tenacity of the New York media and fans, they'll gladly give a free pass to any Yankee ******* who wins them a few ballgames.

 

4. He embodies every horrible stereotype about what an athlete is supposed to be. Athletes who go from one team to another are disloyal. And they're not supposed to talk, or get caught showing their dick on Instagram, or test positive for 'roids, or any of that. Athletes are supposed to be magical unicorns who materialize from a f***ing cornfield and cause sportswriters to burst into uncontrollable epileptic fits of purple prose. Jeter gets a world of credit simply for not being anything. He is a blank canvas on which you get to fingerpaint all your stupid armchair analysis and expectations. That guy … that guy I barely know … he does it the RIGHT WAY. The worst, most childish thing about sports is the undying notion that the games are an apparatus of moral justice, that Jeter wins because he does things the right way. This overlooks not only the entire history of organized sports, but also the facts of Jeter's own career, which has featured the sort of pettiness and groupie-banging that would typically consign a ballplayer to the media shitlist.

 

5. ESPN. Once ESPN finds a pet monkey like Jeter or Tim Tebow to work the street organ, they'll make that f***er grind until it's just a pile of hair on the sidewalk. Derek Jeter could invent the hoverboard and I'd still hate his guts because ESPN forces him on me every half second. As with Tebow and LeBron, Derek Jeter now serves as a perpetual talking point. "Did anything happen today? Let's just say the name JETER for an hour." Jeter is just like any football team that becomes insufferable to you merely for its consistent run of attention. This isn't really Jeter's fault. He didn't build the s***-eating machine around him. But hey, tough f***ing titty. He's Derek Jeter. He should be able to handle it. So f*** him and f*** the Yankees.

 

http://deadspin.com/the-hater-s-guide-to-derek-jeter-1605937020

[Anemic0ffense]

6. He's probably still in the closet. Guy is gay.

[Angrioter]

I'm sick of Jeter

[eastcoastjaysfan]

Didn't read.

[Dylan]

I'm sick of Jeter

 

This

[guylaroche5]

i just find it hilarious that in the midst of all this dick slurping the only way jeter can get on base these days are via flukey infield singles

[GeorgiaPeach]

Four 2-hit games with 2 doubles and a jack against our dominating staff.

[KingKat]

There's actually nothing particularly wrong with Jeter himself. He's not the first player to give himself a retirement tour. Nobody seemed to have a problem with Mariano doing it and nobody seemed to have an issue when Cal Ripken did it. I don't see anyone calling them *******s.

 

Jeter is a good player and he's done a lot of things well in his career. He's a media savvy star player in a large market but that really shouldn't excuse the mainstream sports media for overrating him and over-praising him. That's all on them not on him.

[baseballsss]

There's actually nothing particularly wrong with Jeter himself. He's not the first player to give himself a retirement tour. Nobody seemed to have a problem with Mariano doing it and nobody seemed to have an issue when Cal Ripken did it. I don't see anyone calling them *******s.

 

Jeter is a good player and he's done a lot of things well in his career. It's really not his fault that he's so overrated and over-praised. That's all on the sports media.

 

The funny thing is about everyone hating on this is the fact Jeter said a long time ago that he will call it quites at 40 so he can start a family. He said he was going to do it and he is. A class act and great ball player. Good for him and hope he spawns some other great ball player that I have the chance to watch.

[KingKat]

6. He's probably still in the closet. Guy is gay.

 

It takes AnemicOffense to count possibly being homosexual as a negative against a player.

[Arkadium]

This

 

That

[G-Snarls]

That

 

And the other thing

[Boxcar]

There's actually nothing particularly wrong with Jeter himself. He's not the first player to give himself a retirement tour. Nobody seemed to have a problem with Mariano doing it and nobody seemed to have an issue when Cal Ripken did it. I don't see anyone calling them *******s.

 

Jeter is a good player and he's done a lot of things well in his career. He's a media savvy star player in a large market but that really shouldn't excuse the mainstream sports media for overrating him and over-praising him. That's all on them not on him.

 

He's maybe the worst defensive short stop in the history of the game, and now it's twice that a far, far better SS has come in having to play a different position because of Jeter's god complex. Look at him still batting second, because Derek Jeter. You don't think he has any say?

 

The problem isn't that Jeter wasn't a great player, he clearly belongs in the HOF. He's just not the all time great people make him out to be and it is f***ing annoying.

[KingKat]

He's maybe the worst defensive short stop in the history of the game, and now it's twice that a far, far better SS has come in having to play a different position because of Jeter's god complex. Look at him still batting second, because Derek Jeter. You don't think he has any say?

 

It's funny how Jeter always gets what he wants and never comes off demanding. Maybe he's a jerk privately but if so, he and the Yankees have done a pretty extraordinary job of keeping it under the wraps all this time. Maybe I'm naive but I think he just get what he wants because he's genuinely well liked. He certainly seems to have enviable emotional maturity. Even as he gets more and more praised, he keeps the same even keel that he's always had. I wish people would give him credit for that without overating his qualities as a baseball player. He's not the greatest baseball player, he's just a great baseball player whose personality made him perfect for the spotlight he's under.

[dineke]

He's probably hated because he's pretty much the only baseball player that the general population knows, and baseball people think there are much better players who deserves the fame instead.

 

I like him though, the list of girls that he's banged is legendary.

[KingKat]

He's probably hated because he's pretty much the only baseball player that the general population knows, and baseball people think there are much better players who deserves the fame instead.

 

I like him though, the list of girls that he's banged is legendary.

 

In terms of fame, Jeter is in the pantheon of Lebron James, Sydney Crosby or Peyton Manning. It doesn't really make sense that guys like Pujols, Cabrera and now Trout have played in his shadow. That is kind of irksome. Part of that is due to the tremendous opportunity Jeter had to come up with some excellent Yankees teams (to which to be fair, he was a major contributor) and part of that is that he looked so good in the spotlight. I don't hold Jeter any ill but an end to this retirement hype will be nice. It will be nice to when the spotlight shines on someone else although it's unlikely that baseball's next superstar will be as marketable as Jeter no matter the level of talent.

[Deadpool]

6. He's probably still in the closet. Guy is gay.

 

Wouldn't shock me at all, but it wouldn't change my opinion of the guy, so y'know, like... f*** you for putting that on a list of reasons to hate Jeter.

 

And f*** you for making me stand up for Derek f***ing Jeter.

[Anemic0ffense]

Maybe I'm naive

 

Lol @ "Maybe". No, you are.

[Anemic0ffense]

Look at all the "holier than thou" scum in this thread. Guarantee you all still use gay slurs behind closed doors, but just act like you're a gay sympathizer to gain points with your peers.

 

If Jeter's still scared of his gayness in 2014, then yes, that's something to be annoyed by.

[gruber92]

Yes, the people who don't hate people because of sexual orientation (or race, or sex, or ...) are "scum." And I absolutely love the characterization of "gay sympathizer," as the "sympathizer" term usually follows a unsavory lot ("Nazi sympathizer" "terrorist sympathizer" "Communist sympathizer"). Your perspective is so f***ed up, it's beyond reason. But you really seem to be relying on your gaydar, self-loather.

 

"an" unsavory lot.

 

Get your s*** together.

[gruber92]

Fixed before you finished posting. And I know you want me to get it together, so I can hand it to you, squirrel.

 

Nice try,but you're not that quick Sherman.

[Boxcar]

Look at all the "holier than thou" scum in this thread. Guarantee you all still use gay slurs behind closed doors, but just act like you're a gay sympathizer to gain points with your peers.

 

If Jeter's still scared of his gayness in 2014, then yes, that's something to be annoyed by.

 

You must wear Velcro shoes.

[gruber92]

You must wear Velcro shoes.

 

Lol..

[gruber92]

Three paragraph Moogy post incoming.. A lot of thought going into this baby.

[Anemic0ffense]

Yes, the people who don't hate people because of sexual orientation (or race, or sex, or ...) are "scum." And I absolutely love the characterization of "gay sympathizer," as the "sympathizer" term usually follows an unsavory lot ("Nazi sympathizer" "terrorist sympathizer" "Communist sympathizer"). Your perspective is so f***ed up, it's beyond reason. But you really seem to be relying on your gaydar, self-loather.

 

My God, you Canadians truly are dumber than Americans.

[Anemic0ffense]

You must wear Velcro shoes.

 

GLOBAL WARMING GLOBAL WARMING GLOBAL WARMING!!! Did you march with the junkies in NYC this past weekend, you Marxist filth?

[Boxcar]

GLOBAL WARMING GLOBAL WARMING GLOBAL WARMING!!! Did you march with the junkies in NYC this past weekend, you Marxist filth?

 

You are such a spectacular idiot.

[Anemic0ffense]

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/003303431/3610249396_eric_holder_racist_answer_1_xlarge.gif

[Boxcar]

What do you even contribute aside from your hate mongering and f***ed up social views?

[Anemic0ffense]

You are such a spectacular idiot.

 

http://www.bobbyshred.com/images/goresmoke.jpg